Sex with my partner doesn’t arouse me
I don’t enjoy anything he does, and it sometimes hurts unless I’ve had a glass or two of wine
I am 28 and have been with my partner for 12 years. When we have sex, it doesn’t arouse me: it feels awkward and sometimes hurts, unless I’ve had a glass of wine or two! It might sound cruel, but I don’t enjoy anything he does. He has admitted to masturbating daily because he is sexually frustrated. We are buying a house and plan to get married. We have spoken about this often, so I need to try something else.
It is not unusual for a person to engage in daily masturbation, even while in a fulfilling relationship. This is the least of your problems. Do you actually want a marriage to someone with whom you would rather not be intimate? Are you really thinking about what it would be like to always have to use alcohol to make sex palatable?
I urge you to reevaluate your situation. You need to seek answers to a fundamental question. Why is sex with your fiance so unappealing? I understand that this may be the only sexual relationship you have had, but it would be more than reasonable to expect better. Your low sexual interest may be due to a definable sexual disorder (such as dyspareunia) or to physical or psychological issues; if so, it would be wise to discover this now and undergo treatment to correct it. Enduring long-term painful or unpleasant sex – even with someone you like for other reasons – is likely to create insurmountable resentment, depression and despair. Don’t do it.
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- 01Welcome to real life, why do you think they invented marriage?!ReplyReport
I'm writing this from experience - please, please take a big pause and think long and hard about how you'll feel in another twelve years, only married and co-owning a house, and (possibly) with kids.Eight months ago I broke up with my partner of six and a half years, with whom I had shared ownership of a house and a dog. The sex, which was painful for her nearly from the start and basically non-existent for either of us for the last few years, wasn't the only problem, but in hindsight it was a major one. I didn't cheat, and I trust her when she said she didn't either, but it made both of us miserable and I suspect one or both of us would've strayed if we'd lasted another six years.When it came, the break up was awful - easily some of the worst days of my life - and the legal bills were big, but at least there wasn't the added cost of a divorce (we contested the dog and I had to buy her out of the house).Painful as this may sound, if you carry on with your plans you have all this to look forward to. If it really is just about the sex then get professional help, but be ready to accept that it's not resolvable, especially if it's been a long-term problem as these things can become very psychologically ingrained, even if it just feels like a physical problem.But you will get through it and you will find someone else. Six months later I met the new MsS, have fallen in love again (despite promising myself nothing serious for a good while), and the sex is incredible.Be brave and good luck!
In the first place, sex that causes pain isn't normal. If it's been going on for 12 years it's unlikely to be anything sinister, but she should still get it checked out, because a physical cause can be corrected. Has she been a victim of FGM?Second, warning bells ring at the notion of her necking some alcohol just so she can bear it. Risk of addiction developing right there, I would have thought. Plus, what is her partner thinking of, going ahead with sex, however frustrated he is, knowing all the time that she is in pain and hating it? Is he from the FGM culture and thinks that's normal for women?Third, there must be something powerful but unstated keeping them together and still planning a future, all this time with this kind of problem. I'd love to know what it is.
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We are buying a house and plan to get married.That's not a good idea. Sex is a huge part of a good interpersonal relationship. I cannot imagine how this relationship has been kept alive for 12 years, but it seems it's been 12 years too many.
This couple should move itself into the "friend zone" and the individuals should move on to partners they can be happy with.
This happened to someone I know, sex never worked for her with her first partner - it was painful and mostly impossible. She went to all the available clinics and got diagnosed with all sorts of things like vaginismus and vulvadynia. She took the pills, used numbing creams and dilators and it never got any better than nearly painless. In the end she couldn't bear to try anymore and ended the relationship. But with the next man she tried there was no problem at all, it turned out she had no chemistry with chap number 1 and hadn't been sufficiently aroused by him to allow comfortable penetration. They'd been great friends, but not sexually suited.
It makes me wonder how many marriages went unconsummated in the bad old days when sex before marriage wasn't the done thing. How many women thought they were frigid or that sex just wasn't for them?
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he masturbates; do you? do you have a sex urge at all, or is it just something in his technique? mebbe masturbate together, see if you can't find some mutually satisfying approaches...that and as pamela suggests, go see someone about this before you traipse up the aisle to [and be] someone who'll only resent it sooner or later.
You're 28 - your biological clock is starting to tell you that you should be making babies in the not too distant future. Your body is also clearly telling you that you don't want to make those babies with your current partner.Get out asap - while time is on your side and before things get even more complicated.
We are buying a house and plan to get married.Please don't. Not until you are both clearer about what the problem is.We have spoken about this often, so I need to try something else.Have you tried anything, rather than talk? Bought a sex manual and read it together? Then practised what it suggests together? Set out to get aroused, and for him to arouse you, and you him, without penetration at the end? Experimented with different times of day, different positions, different locations?Importantly, though, did you ever enjoy sex with him? If you did, that can be recaptured, if you both work on it. If you didn't, deciding to get semi-pissed on a regular basis in order to get through sex with him isn't really going to work as a long-term plan.If it's hurting something is wrong
I don’t enjoy anything he doesThere's your problem right there. It's not rocket science. It's not about a lack of love. And you don't have a dysfunction for not enjoying it (FFS Connolly).Sex isn't just about "things he does". You have to find things YOU want to do. Do to him. Do to you. Stuff that gets YOU hot. Explore it on your own and when you find things, talk as a couple and try them together. You might just find that taking charge is the very thing that's missing for you.
There's been a lot of discussion about alcohol and lubricants on this thread but, so far as I can see, nothing about foreplay. How long does he spend? Would it be better if he doubled or trebled that time?Also, does the OP find other men sexually attractive? Does she find he partner sexually attractive until it gets down to the physical part?but I don’t enjoy anything he doesIs there anything he doesn't do that you think you would enjoy? Have you asked him to do it?
Find a new partner, people mainly go off sex with their partners because they get bored and know all they know about them.More people enjoy the chase anyway, its what put a spring in our step, so buy a house with a long term partner where's theres no sex life seems like a disaster in the making.Listen to the 60% of all women who decided to divorce and got their life back.Jobs for life have gone, so have relationships. Enjoy the variety, its the spice of life.
Yep, you need to experiment and find out what makes you tick. Even if it's on yourself or together. If it's hurting I'd suggest it's likely that he's not get you wet enough, or you're actually tightening up down below because you don't want to have sex, thus making it worse.Also, he's frustrated and it's good that you've been talking, but maybe find out what makes him tick too. The important thing is not to always give yourself unless you're getting something back. So you might do what he likes a few times, but then it's your turn.But seriously, definitely find out what you like and trust me, most women wouldn't have a clue until they're closer to 30 (or so people tell me but it was true for me)
KY jelly might help with the discomfort. Do you masturbate / use a vibrator - do you enjoy that? It might be worth trying to show your partner how you like to be touched. If you were getting more orgasms yourself you might enjoy the act with your partner more and that might mean him making more of an effort with foreplay.- Source:theguardian.com
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